Ponderings of a Full-time Mom

Before I had Eva, I was (and pretty much still am) one of those liberal, feminist types. I don't mean to paint people in broad brushstrokes, but if I had to sum up my beliefs about women, working, and social rights, I guess that is where I would generally fall. As with many things I've realized as I've matured, most things in this world are not so black and white. This past year I have been confronted with the age-old conflict of whether or not to stay home with Eva or continue to invest in my career. I always realized that having the ability to have and care for children put women at a distinct disadvantage in the competitive marketplace. It's no hidden fact that women still make less than men in almost all professions when experience and education level are otherwise equal. For some reason, I don't know why exactly, I thought I would be immune. However, since having Eva I have held four different jobs, none with any permanency in my desire to balance my identities as a working professional and mother. My most recent position, despite moving our family over 500 miles to new state and assurances that this position would be funded the following year, was cut due to department reorganization. So for the fourth time this year, I find myself sending out resumes, lining up references, sending out transcripts, and pounding the pavement looking for a job. After hitting my head against a wall more than a few times, I think it is finally dawning on me that I'm considered a "flight risk" to employers as a part-time employee. I have never concealed my desire to stay home at least part-time with my little girl. This threatens people. There's this perception that I must be less dedicated to my job, my students, and the teachers and families I work with if I work part-time. It's almost as if I cannot be counted on to show up everyday. My search for other flexible employment has generally come up empty-handed. It looks as if I must pursue full-time positions. I feel pigeon-holed and this opens up other cans of worms. Firstly, I don't want to be away from my little girl forty plus hours a week. I know that's what people do, and she would be absolutely fine, but I'm never going to look back at my life and wish I had worked more. I can project that one day I may look back at my life and say, "I wish I had spent more time with my kids." Secondly, finding a job in unstable economic times is incredibly difficulty regardless of my education or experience level. I have always been raised that any job is a good job and hard work is the only way to pay for the things you want. Recently I have been given the chance to pursue an opportunity outside of the field of education, in the corporate setting. I think I would enjoy the position, culture, and people I work with, but I am having trouble stomaching the idea of spending 2-3 hours a day with my child the majority of each week. I'm aware of some other options that would give me more time with my family, but are less stable and likely pay less as well. How can I turn down one job without any promise of another? What to do? Maybe it is a question of faith; faith in our definition of what's important, faith in my skills, and faith that God will provide the means. Maybe...

 I recently read a post on another momma's blog about this subject. I know that moms are harder on themselves than anyone else would be. There is guilt on either side of the fence, but the author of this post said that all of us, part-time, full-time or no-time, need to let go of the "should dos." We all need to cut ourselves some slack and realize that the balance between our families, our careers, our identities, develops a day at time. There is no right way or magic solution. We are all doing what we can, the best we can, and let's leave it at that.